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Guide To Movie Watchers

There are many kinds of movie watchers that I have come across.  Some are hard to watch movies with, the rest are IMPOSSIBLE to watch movies with.  Here is a list with some names I have given them with a brief description.  Some of them even have a suggested countermeasures.  If you have a type of watcher or a counter to one, please share...

2 Slow 2 Interested - This movie watcher is interested in the movie but is a little too slow to catch what just happened.  He or she proceed to turn to you and ask you what just happened or what was so funny.  This will continue throughout the movie eventually taking your attention away from the movie and lowering the overall enjoyment of your day.  Counter - Answer the first few questions, then mumble the answers more and more until a simple shrug will do.  Just pretend you also do not understand what is going on.

The Guess-tubater - This person has a bad habit of guessing OUT LOUD what will happen next in the movie.  This not only ruins the movie for themselves but for everyone around them.  This person seems like they have something to prove.  They either want to prove that they have some intelligence or that they can follow simple plot.  Either one is slightly less than impressive.  This person is especially annoying during a mystery or a horror movie.  We are happy that you can guess what will happen next but SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Counter - Politely turn to them and request that they keep their fucking traps shut.  The Guesser isn't being productive, just a little bitch.

The Sleeper - The Sleeper just goes to sleep.  What the hell?  Why would you agree to watch a movie and fall asleep?  In the movie theater, The Sleeper successfully paid to take a nap.  If you paid for their ticket, Correction... YOU paid for them to take a nap.  You might as well get on all fours and call YOURSELF a bitch.  They just wasted your money.  Counter - A gentle nudge should wake them up.  If you paid for their ticket, a quick elbow jab to the ribs is expected.  If they are snoring, you are required by movie code to smack them awake.

The Broken Recorder - This person will repeat anything funny or important to you as if you are stupid.  "Haha... I'll be back.  Did you hear that?  Arnold is the BEST!"  YES I HEARD HIM.  And I heard you the first six times.  Not only does this get annoying, while the person is talking, much like 2 Slow 2 Interested, attention will be diverted away from the movie.  Counter - None yet found to be effective.  Ignoring them does not help, they continue annoying you thinking that you must not have heard.  Agreeing with them will also not help, because they will want to discuss the topic with you further.

The Big Bang Theorist - I hate people who believe in this theory.  The movie just isn't good unless something blows up.  I'm sorry, when these two cars crashed, it was realistic and there wasn't a HUGE fucking explosion.  This person believes that the only good movie is where something blows up and the screen gets engulfed with huge flames and tons of black smoke.  Counter - Just keep your mouth shut.  Let this ignorant fool continue to think that all Arnold movies are good.  They are stupid and incapable of a complex thought.  Trying to rationalize a movie with a slight plot twist would be a waste of your breath.  They wont understand you anyway

Shallow Hal - This movie watcher is only interested in two things.  They like the special effects and other superficial parts of movies.  Cinematography is certainly important to the movie, but once again, not everything.  Any movie is considered good as long as the special effects and fight scenes were cool.  The Gay-trix has only a mediocre plot in my opinion, but the story is overshadowed by the millions of dollars spent on the computer guys who made Keanu Reeves look half way graceful.  (How graceful is it to show the world your brown eye?  Shit...)  It's certainly cool but doesn't make the movie.  Counter - Much like the Big Bang Theorist, Shallow Hal is only concerned with the way the scenes looks rather than the story or plot.  Any attempt at explaining a plot twist or a beautifully written screenplay is way over their heads.  Only watch a movie with this person when you're in the mood to let your brain shut down for 2 hours.

Spielberg Jr. - Whoa whoa.  Take it easy!  This guy or girl is convinced that they could do a better job than the current director of the movie.  I'm sure you have a few ideas that could improve the movie, but hey, I don't want to hear about it right now.  I want to hear what a REAL director is doing with their movie.  Not some amateur wannabe that probably has no idea what the hell they're talking about or any idea what it takes to make a movie.  Keep your ideas inside until the movie is over.  At least show the director some sort of respect for his hard work.  After the movie is over, feel free to take those ideas and shut the hell up.  Counter - Suggest that this person talk to some people and come up with enough money to remake the movie in their own style.  Since they are probably stupid, they'll leave you alone and try it.

The Young and the Restless - Good god have you ever been to a movie theater and some jackass of a parents brings their young child?  It's totally cool if you are watching a movie like Finding Nemo.  I have personally witness a parent bring their 5 year old daughter to Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  Imagine a 5 year old kid yapping and running around because they have no idea what's going on.  Did the parents actually believe that 1)  Their child could actually sit still for 3 hours.  or 2)  That their child would actually be bored and not make a sound.  In-fucking-credible.  Counter - All you can do is sigh a lot and act really annoyed in hopes that the parent will take the hint and take the child out of the theater.  This usually fails because if the parent is stupid enough to bring the child to that movie to begin with, they're probably too stupid to take a simple hint.  No subtle plan works here.

The Fortune Teller - The dreaded person who has already seen the movie and cannot keep important parts to themselves.  I must admit, I have occasionally been found guilty of a lesser form of the fortune teller.  I have a bad habit of laughing at a funny part in the movie before it happens.  It's very difficult to avoid.  But the true Fortune Teller gives away major plot points or sometimes the entire surprise ending to a movie.  It is because of this person I HATE the movie "The Sixth Sense" and find it impossible to watch.  Counter - nearly impossible to counter.  A Fortune Teller could be lurker anywhere.  They are usually in disguise and cannot be spotted.  My only advice is to make a ridiculously big deal about how they completely ruined the movie in hopes that they will see the errors of their ways and next time be more careful with such important information.

The Shaolin Punk - I confess, I used to be one of these dorks.  These are the people that watch kung fu or martial art movies and then are convinced that they themselves are martial art masters.  They aren't really that bad, but can be annoying when they imitate a movie and try to pick a fight with you.  Especially when they completely get the moves wrong.  I have watched this person make a ass of themselves time and time again.  Counter - A counter for this movie watcher is not necessarily needed, while the Shaolin Punk can get very annoying, they are usually very funny to watch since they think they look cool and everyone else knows that he or she is a dork.

The Cold and The Beautiful - This movie watcher lives in each and every person who enjoys watching movies.  Has there every been a time when you have watched a movie only because a certain good looking actor or actress stars in the movie?  Of course you have.  We are all guilty of this movie watcher.  There is always a movie that is only interesting because a certain celebrity who is very fun to look at stars in the movie.  Being this movie watcher is not a crime.  (Unless its a movie like Scooby Doo or nearly any Ben Affleck movie.)  Counter - none.


Grossly Engrossed - Here's a new one, the movie person who has to follow each and every plot detail down to the fucking last word.  Let's set the scene... So the movie is a little slow and you happen to strike up a slight conversation with your bud.  This person procedes so SHUSH you, tell you to shut up, or half pay attention to you, and then rewind the last 7 seconds so they can catch the most useless detail that they were afraid that they missed.  I guess there's nothing wrong with this, kinda my fault for losing interest in the movie and openning my mouth.  But...          FUCK.  This website is about what pisses me off, and that REALLY does.  Solution - none... my fault for being a jerk.